Last week was one of those weeks that I think was tagged in our timeline of unforgettable weeks. Sometimes, you have a ‘hard’ week, and then there are the weeks that are more than hard. I am learning <the hard way> that you can’t control anything. As much as I’d like to have things handled, I have to accept that things can easily fall out of their rhythm. As a new mom, I think that you are always waiting for things to get better. I self talk a lot. I say “You just have to get through this part, then it will get better.” But, I’ve found myself saying this A LOT, and it seems that the root of it is my need to conquer the hard, and be awesome. I have unrealistic expectations surrounding what I can accomplish.
In the middle of my ugly cry tears, I realized that I carry a lot of guilt around.
Bryant and I decided that I would stay at home with Kinsey. And while it is a job that I love, and feel incredibly blessed to do, I feel guilty if I am not awesome at it, all of the time. My tears were about the fact that Kinsey was not sleeping, and that I was so consumed with her that I felt like I was ignoring my marriage. It is easy to let your children consume you. It is even easier to wallow in your defeat. After about 5 days of perfect days, and perfect nights, and realizing that the answer to my problems was actually incredibly obvious (Kinsey is not a 3 month old baby anymore, and she isn’t going to sleep all night if I’m trying to make her sleep all day. I’m smart), I am still left guilt ridden, that everything went wrong to begin with. I am hard on myself. I always say that I have to give myself grace, but that is an incredibly hard thing to do.
I want to have a delicious dinner made for my husband. I want to have a clean house for him to come home to. I want to be finished with my school-work before he comes home, so that we can spend our evenings together. But, I have to realize that this perfect idea may not be achievable every single day. I am learning to celebrate the small things.
So far today:
I finished vacuuming the house.
Kinsey finally pooped.
We had a successful morning nap.
I finished 1/3 of my paper that is due on Friday.
I also started the dishwasher.
It doesn’t sound like much when I type it out like that. But, our second nap that was supposed to start 30 minutes ago, was interrupted by the most massive of baby poops that has happened to date, which I suppose is what happens when your baby skips a day’s worth of bowel movements.
So, small victories. I haven’t showered, or even gotten dressed today, but, I’ll try again tomorrow. I am a work in progress, clearly.