A good friend today told me that I’ve changed, or am changing, something like that. At first, I was concerned, thinking that motherhood has done to me exactly what I didn’t want it to…but then I took a minute, and realized, how could it not? I said, pretty wholeheartedly before having Kinsey, that I didn’t want to lose myself. I had known people who had become mothers and it consumed them in a such a way that they became uninteresting. I did not want to lose everything that I am and be defined solely by my role as a mother…so, needless to say, I’ve been incredibly self conscious.
I catch myself talking about Kinsey, and feel like I have to hold back…
I tweet something about pumping or breast feeding and think “Good God Woman! Over-share!” and feel like I have to apologize…
I talk about missing my little girl, and again, I apologize, well…today, I kind of decided that I need to stop apologizing.
My friend Cathi replied to one of my apologetic mother tweets with this: “Tweeting should be a reflection of life/thought in one way or another. Be you-We love (really) you!”
I am a Mom. This is something major and huge that is happening to me right now. It is not old news–it is still new news. Kinsey will be 4 months old on Sunday. 4 months ago, I was not the person that I am today. I spend 100% of my day caring about another person, and devoting myself to keeping her alive and happy…that is LIFE-CHANGING. My relationship with my husband is completely different than it was 4 months ago. We created life together, and that is LIFE-CHANGING. I need to stop apologizing for that. I have friends who are in this same stage in life, and some that are not, and I am sure it is hard for the ones that can not relate–but, if they don’t want to try, if they are sick of hearing about me and my kid, then I don’t think I want them around. It sounds harsh, but friendship and community is witnessing each other’s lives through all of it. You can’t pick and choose the parts that you care about, you either care about the person or you don’t. I hope that most of my heart friends are the kind that care, the kind that are sick of my apologizing not sick of me talking about what is happening.
This has changed me, but, I am still me. I have not lost myself. Kinsey is the best thing that I have done in my life thus far, that is monumental. Bryant and I are navigating this new territory, and it is scary, but exciting, and we want the people that we know and love to be a part of that. So, I am not going to apologize anymore. Come along for the ride, or don’t, but know that I am still here, I’m just talking about another little person who has touched my heart. My life now has an added element, and that is something that I could not be more thrilled about.