Dear Self.

These are a few key things I feel like you need to remember about Child Bearing and Birthing. Kinsey has the ability to take you to Never Never Land where you forget stuff and only think about the cute noises and darling faces. Lately, you’ve been saying “It wasn’t THAT bad,” and you and I both know that is so far from the truth. Believe me, you, it was horrific, and though you’ve convinced yourself that you can do it another time, I am convinced that between now and then, you will forget exactly what you are getting yourself into. I am not going to talk you out of it, but since at some point or another, all mother’s start to speak lies, I find it imperative that I tell you (me) the truth…again, so we (me), can be a bit more prepared.

1) Do not think that you can give up. It only delays the inevitable. That baby is coming out, and whether you stop participating or not, you are in it, and you have no choice but to keep going.

2) Yes, this is the worst possible pain imaginable, and yes, you are pretty sure that right about now you are going to die, but you won’t…most likely.

3) Request a new nurse if her name is Andrea. Your sister’s name is Andrea, and if nurse Andrea is not your sister, then really no good can come of this relationship. Ask her to shut up and leave, trust me on this one.

4) There is a point where apparently a C-Section is no longer an option. It doesn’t matter how many times you demand it, they will not comply. Refer to #1.

5) Remember the very worst bowel movement you ever passed, then multiply that times the worst pain you’ve ever felt, then take that, and times it by 1000, that is what you are about to experience.

6) Never say no to an epidural. At a minimum, it will distract you from the other crap that is going down, and should give you at least an hour of solid sleep until they decide to remove it due to all of the fainting. It is worth it. It really is.

7) Husband’s hand needs to be squeezed a whole lot more the 2nd time around. I don’t think he suffered enough the 1st time. There needs to be more mutual pain this time.

8) Afterwards, don’t ask how many stitches there are, they won’t tell you anyway. Also, DO ask to go to the bathroom immediately, because once you realize that you have to go, it will be too late, and you will without a doubt have already peed yourself.

9) I do not recommend that you consume as many peanut butter cups post partum the 2nd time around. That seemed to really cause a whole bunch of other issues that you really didn’t need. They taste delicious while you are eating them, but you will pay for it later…yes, yes, you will.

10) No one is allowed to visit you until you have been home for 3 days. You are experienced now, and if you set this standard in advance, then certain persons will not be able to slip through the cracks. This also means you probably shouldn’t tell anyone that the baby has been born until you are already home…it is simply a precaution. If I come up with another way around surprise visitors, I’ll let you know.

11) You didn’t rob the hospital of enough supplies the 1st time. Bring an empty duffle bag the 2nd time around, make it a requirement for the husband to fill it. No, seriously.

12) Listen to more music. Hillsong United really got you through the risky part without cussing too much, I think spending more time on a “Its getting real” playlist would be extremely beneficial.

13) DO have Denise send tweet updates about your birth. The laughing kept you from crying. (Examples below)

@snazzy_mcgee: 9 months pregnant and she’s playing hide & seek in the peds wing. @katiekrongard, you’re an American hero.

@snazzy_mcgee: “If you havin’ girl problems I feel bad for you, son!” sings @katiekrongard as she square dances with the chief of medicine.

@snazzy_mcgee: Did you know @bryant_roger plays the accordion? He’s serenading the nurses while @katie_krongard jumps on the bed.

@snazzy_mcgee: FOLKS! @katiekrongard sent me a picture of what she did earlier today. What a woman.

And there you have it. Your list thus far. I’m doing this for your own good. Now carry on being a mother of 1 for awhile.

Peace.