Dear Self.

These are a few key things I feel like you need to remember about Child Birthing. Kinsey has the ability to take you to Never Never Land where you forget stuff and only think about the cute noises and darling faces. Lately, you’ve been saying “It wasn’t THAT bad,” and we both know that is so far from the truth. Believe me, you, it was horrific, and though you’ve convinced yourself that you can do it another time, I am convinced that between now and then, you will forget exactly what you are getting yourself into. I am not going to talk you out of it, but since at some point or another, all mothers start to speak lies, I find it imperative that I tell you (me) the truth…again, so we (me), can be a bit more prepared.

1) Do not think that you can give up as it only delays the inevitable. That baby is coming out, and whether you stop participating or not, you are in it, and you have no choice but to keep going.

2) Yes, this is the worst possible pain imaginable, and yes, you are pretty sure that you are going to die, but you won’t…most likely.

3) Request a new nurse if her name is Andrea. Your sister’s name is Andrea, and if nurse Andrea is not your sister, then really no good can come of this relationship. Ask her to shut up and leave. Trust me on this one. Nurse Andrea is nothing like sister Andrea. NOTHING.

4) There is a point where apparently a C-Section is no longer an option. It doesn’t matter how many times you demand it, they will not comply. You’ll likely still demand one at a time when again, it isn’t an option, but this time you’ll know the answer. The answer is no. They’ll say “want to touch the baby’s head?” and you’ll say “shit, no!” They’ll try to distract you from your goal, which is to get that C-Section, but that C-Section isn’t coming. Accept it.

5) Remember the very worst bowel movement you ever passed, then multiply that times the worst pain you’ve ever felt, then take that, and times it by 1000, that is what you are about to experience. I am sorry.

6) Never say no to an epidural. At a minimum, it will distract you from the other crap that is going down. Yes, it was a bummer that you couldn’t keep it in. I hope for your sake that some medical leaps have been made in the field of fainting by the time you decide to embark on this wonderfully terrible journey once more. The idea of an epidural sounds pretty nice, so I say go for it, and hope to Jesus your BP holds this time. If not? Well, interesting story I guess. Also? Badass birthing Mama status. *fist bump*

7) Husband’s hand needs to be squeezed a whole lot more the 2nd time around. I don’t think he suffered enough the 1st time. There needs to be more mutual pain this time. You could tell him to go without coffee…that could be the closest to a death like experience that he’ll ever get. Consider it. Or not. Whichever.

8) Afterwards, don’t ask how many stitches there are because they won’t tell you anyway. Also, DO ask to go to the bathroom immediately, because once you realize that you have to go, it will be too late, and you will without a doubt have already peed yourself. Do you remember all of the pee? It was so much pee.

9) I do not recommend that you consume as many peanut butter cups post partum the 2nd time around. That seemed to really cause a whole bunch of other issues that you really didn’t need. They taste delicious while you are eating them, but you will pay for it later.

10) No one is allowed to visit you until you have been home for at least 3 days. You are experienced now, and if you set this standard in advance, then certain persons will not be able to slip through the cracks. This also means you probably shouldn’t tell anyone that the baby has been born until you are already home…it is simply a precaution. If I come up with another way around surprise visitors, I’ll let you know.

11) You didn’t rob the hospital of enough supplies the 1st time. Bring an empty duffle bag this time and make it a requirement for the husband to fill it. No, seriously.

12) Listen to more music. Hillsong United really got you through the risky part without cussing too much. They were all “JESUS!” and we were all “JESUS!!!!” I think it helped.

13) DO have Denise send tweet updates about your birth. The laughing kept you from crying. (Examples below)

@snazzy_mcgee: 9 months pregnant and she’s playing hide & seek in the peds wing. @katiekrongard, you’re an American hero.

@snazzy_mcgee: “If you havin’ girl problems I feel bad for you, son!” sings @katiekrongard as she square dances with the chief of medicine.

@snazzy_mcgee: Did you know @bryant_roger plays the accordion? He’s serenading the nurses while @katie_krongard jumps on the bed.

@snazzy_mcgee: FOLKS! @katiekrongard sent me a picture of what she did earlier today. What a woman.

And there you have it. Your list thus far. I’m doing this for your own good. Now carry on being a mother of 1 for awhile.

Peace.