I’ve been on a bit of a blog “break” taking time to be with my husband…we moved last weekend, and it left me drained–instead of wanting to go back to my normal routine I craved my couch and Season 1 of Dexter. Its been fabulous to just enjoy our new home together–getting settled in, planning how our rooms will evolve in a few years when we start a family…I’m loving the feeling of “home.”
Last night after I went for a late night run, I came home feeling like I was finally at a place where I am doing things for myself. For so long I think I was a slave to other people-a people pleaser-I was always proud that I could “be who I am” but when it came to actually DOING things, I was driven by other people…
“doing this for my husband…”
“doing this for my future kids…”
“doing this for my family…”
But now I want to do things for me. And I think this happens in a lot of areas in my life-where I focus on service and forget about myself. This all sounds like I’ve become incredibly selfish, but I’m starting to believe that the more I forget to focus on my own health and happiness, spiritually and mentally, the less effective I will be. I read this interview awhile back between Oprah and Michelle Obama, and Michelle told Oprah that her happiness is tied to how she feels about her WHOLE SELF. It was a striking and yet so obvious. And so, last night I was running, and I always hit this road block when I am running where I tell myself I can’t go any further, I can’t run any faster, I need to slow my pace, I need to stop, and last night I came to the road block and something switched-it was like for the first time I thought “what if I just keep running” and as I kept running I analyzed my options “I could stop” “I could slow down” “If I keep going I might vomit” “Maybe I can keep going?” “This is further and faster than I have ever ran before…I need to stop” and then I realized that I was so caught up in thinking about how I should stop, I had kept going, and it got easier–the road block cleared and I kept going. I know it sounds silly, but I came home feeling like I finally understood that the only person getting in the way of me doing things, is me–and I mean this not just with running, but with everything. In life, I am my biggest critic, and I felt like before last night I was too weak…I couldn’t motivate myself enough, or control myself enough to do the things that I want to do.
So now, instead of running for 30 minutes, I can hit the road for an hour. And instead of feeling like I have to jog, I can sprint. I can do these things, and I can stop the voice in my head from saying “no you can’t.” It was a spiritual moment for me. So revealing about who I am and the limitations I’ve put on myself in every area of my life.
Have you ever had a moment similar to this? A moment when you feel like you’ve become someone completely different?